Oh, the woes of Raffy Palmeiro. Called out by Jose Canseco in his tell-all book, Palmeiro has denied he ever used to steroids– to the press, to the fans, to Congress– and I heard there was a conversation with a hot dog vendor outside the ballpark, where Palmeiro was asking if the vendor had any all-natural hot dogs.
But now Raffy has been busted by the MLB Blood Cops. And no one knows why.
Wait– the hot dog. That must be it. There must have been something in the hot dog– some kind of growth hormone, given to the cow. Congress has not yet subpenoaed any cattle, but there’s a steroid problem there, too, I’ve heard.
There must be something somewhere. Andro in the cheese wiz on the pre-game spread. Serostim in the salad dressing. HGH in the punch bowl. Now, that’s a spike!
I mean, for all the guys who are getting busted who are screaming about their innocence, you would think there was a conspiracy somewhere.
True, MLB does nothing to help with this ‘secrecy’ policy. The concept was to get steroids OUT of the newspapers– not feed idle gossips with a reputation-staining rotten egg that they could throw for the rest of a player’s life.
But that is what has happened. Alex Sanchez will forever be branded, for some unknown substance. Andro? Crack? Maybe he smoked some of George Brett’s pine tar– that’s a forbidden substance, right?
The fact is, we don’t know what any of these people– Palmeiro included– took that caused the tripping of the substance alarm. And that’s not right.
Let’s start branding these substances with shame, each and every one. Let’s have kids say, "Oh man, you don’t want to do that– that’s what Joe Schmoe got busted for– now he delivers pizzas for a living."
There needs to be a better method of a player appealing this process, too. You can’t appeal a suspension! Not even if the lab guy says "Whoops! I left that sample with Jose Canseco, and he used it as a pre-workout mixer. Don’t worry– he left a sample to replace it."
But now- guilty or not– Palmeiro really might miss out on the Hall of Fame. For an unnamed substance.
I think the irony of having the loudest protester busted is hard to ignore. But I also think Baseball is not curing anything, from a public relations viewpoint. MLB has opened Pandora’s Box, and Litigation, False Accusation, Slander, and Eternal Gossip were the first to fly out.
Even as someone who tries to write a blog every day, I hate seeing this be the headline I turn to in the morning. MLB is doing itself no favors when they enforce their new policy through the media.
Maybe it was the Viagra. Did anyone ever think to screen out the Viagra?